“Women need to feel loved and men need to feel needed.” – Rita Mae Brown, Riding Shotgun
Both good and bad communication is addressed in the most popular books on marriage. Poor communication is the leading cause of divorce, yes, more than infidelity and money. In fact, if you look closer you will see that money problems and infidelity problems are most often caused by… you guessed it… poor communication. The quote above gives us a clue. Men and women need different things from each other and it’s time we stopped treating each other like a dysfunctional version of ourselves.
The majority of my work includes helping people communicate and I’ve seen so many combinations of not-so-good, dysfunctional, and at times completely horrible communication that I get overwhelmed with just how creative humans can be at failing to communicate. Makes me scratch my head in wonder. So when a couple I worked with recently gave me a textbook example of how men and women tend to get it all wrong, I just had to share it. Everyone can benefit from their experience. Brian and Jennifer are now communicating much better and so can you!
We men have a way we go about communication in relationships. Not every man is the same, but patterns emerge that cannot be ignored. In the good times we can be direct so as not to cause confusion. We can be solution focused which is usually efficient at making things move forward. We are able to set our emotions aside in order to make difficult decisions. But since we are not perfect, men can often be too direct, too focused on problem solving, and ignorant of emotional struggles within ourselves and the woman we love. Let’s make this more complex by adding in that most men absolutely hate being wrong or made to feel stupid by having our mistakes put front and center. Just don’t bring it up and we’ll be just file. Or so we think…
But women also have a way they go about communicating in relationships. Again, not every woman is the same, but patterns emerge. Women can be subtle, able to pay attention to many things at once, and communicate with a full range of emotion… When this isn’t working out quite right, she can give hints that are too faint for all but the most tuned in man to catch. She can assume incorrectly that focusing on multiple issues or tasks is as easy for her man as it is for her. And she can talk with a full range of emotions to a man who is still trying to process the first thing she said a few minutes ago. If we could just get it all out where we can talk about it we’ll be just fine. Or you might think…
So what do we do when the husband is being un-vulnerable and closed off which makes it impossible to communicate at all. What do we do when the wife expresses her every emotion in hopes of finding a connection only to trigger her husband’s fight or flight response. Remember, he is already scared to open up, and too proud to admit it. For men who know better than to run away and know even MORE-BETTER not to fight, there is a third response. We freeze. We shut down. Still not good…
This is where advice tends to fall short. We can tell a guy how important it is to communicate with his wife; that the Bible tells us to “dwell with her in knowledge”. Really get to know what is important to her. Lover her the way she asks to be loved. He will agree, and very often, not know how to put this into action. He’s scared; scared in a way that he’s not going to tell any other man, his wife, or even admit to himself. Remember we don’t like to face failure so it seems better to just avoid the thing all together. I mean, if you don’t know what you’re doing why try? You’ll just make a mess of things anyway, right?
And we can tell women that it is important to talk to their husbands using feeling words to express emotions. Don’t overwhelm the guy. Men’s brains are actually wired to take in and express less emotion. It’s not a defect. It’s a design flaw! No. Just kidding. It’s a feature. Remember that ability to set his emotions aside in order to make difficult decisions with a focus on the future? That’s what being less emotional is all about. But men should be off the hook for trying. I encourage every man in a relationship to strengthen his communication skillset, but it’s not fair to treat men like dysfunctional women. We can use scripture to point out that respecting her husband (verbally) is her greatest tool in her marriage. But what if he isn’t listening anyway; what’s the point?
Back to my couple. Brian didn’t realize that if he were vulnerable she could talk to him without yelling but Jennifer struggled with not getting angry when Brian shared things that made her upset. So he was not going to be vulnerable if she wasn’t going to calm down and she wasn’t going to calm down because that’s the only time he would listen. Both people have to change, and typically at relatively the same time for it to work.
So what do I recommend? If you are having a similar communication problem with your spouse, here is my two-stage approach. At this point, my guess is most of you will need the second stage to get through this problem. The baseline is to realize that each of you is having trouble understanding the other because you are speaking two different languages. You both have different needs and wants. So listen to your spouse. Let them tell you what is important to them. Don’t down talk or disrespect what they say. Listen, and say it back to them in your own words so they know you understood them. Then when they feel you have heard them, present your side in a manner that doesn’t discount what they said. “I hear what you are saying, and I have something I would like us both to consider alongside what you are saying. I have different needs or concerns.” When each of you can consider what is important to both of you, you will be able to work toward solutions. But remember, you were created different in order to complement each other, not to argue over how wrong the other one thinks.
If that doesn’t work, imagine having someone who does this for a living help you through it? If you aren’t able to break through to your spouse even after you do your part, it’s time to enlist the help of a professional. When your partner refuses to address the issues that are important to you after you have addressed the issues that are important to them, you no longer have a communication problem. You have a problem-problem. When communication doesn’t work, only natural consequences will work. But before throwing in the towel on so great a commitment as marriage, find someone who can help. I have helped countless couples with a wide variety of struggles.
this is just me testing. Hopefully this works.